What can be said about 2011?  Shitty, harsh, painful, interesting, tearful, sometimes not bad?  Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  I can’t say it was a good year, and I’m sure there will be worse to come, because you know… that’s life.  My first year as a graduate from “higher education” has been an all uphill battle to stay afloat.

Trust me, I know I’m not the only one.  Just look at the “Occupy” movement, we all know about it, and if you’ve forgotten about it, because you don’t think it effects you, then shame on you.  There were plenty during the thickest parts of it that were saying that the people of “Occupy” and those like them were nothing but products of the “entitled” generation, the generation of graduates that expected a job handed to them on a silver platter, that my generation is just a bunch of lazy kids that don’t want to pay taxes and think that they deserve high paying jobs “just because *insert appropriate obnoxious response*.”  My favorite was the lot that complained that they were tax payers, and they’ve all been doing what they’re suppose to do, and they’ve never asked for a break, so the rest of us should all shut up and live with it.

So, here’s the reason that that’s bullshit.  Yes, there are some brats out there that truly do think that they deserve this and they deserve that, but there happens to be a butt ton of us that work full or close to full time, two or more jobs, people that pay their taxes, their car insurance, their rent, their bills, so on, so forth.

The thing that the former generation tends to forget, while they’re preaching to us about how it was our fault for getting into this mess, how it’s our debt, is that, when they went to college, tuition was astronomically less, and was usually able to be paid much more easily than it is now, and any loans that may have been needed, had much lower interest rates, and were just all around less because tuition was less.  Not to mention the whole… Sallie Mae is okay with loaning to just about anyone as long as they can find a cosigner.  Also, they weren’t told that without that education they would be nothing, that they would never be able to get a real job.  Colleges around the country are obsessed with getting your check, no matter what they have to do to acquire it, including goad ambitious, gullible, and naive high schoolers and their worried, hopeful parents, to just go ahead and sign up for a loan, it’s completely worth it in the long run, because you’re guaranteed a job in your field after graduation.  And of course, every school you’re looking to attend has the highest employment after graduation, because they have loads of connections.   All you have to do is pay close to $30,000 a year and you’ll basically walk into your new job right after you graduate.

Right now, the best thing that could happen to me, would be to get a promotion at my job.  Yes, I have one.  Are you surprised?  I work as close to full time as my job allows, getting a promotion would ensure full time, and higher pay, which would be amazing!!  I definitely wouldn’t be able to pay for everything that I need to, but I’d definitely be able to play financial tetris a little bit better than I have been.

One thing that will help… wait for the celebratory trumpets…. okay fine, don’t, I finished paying the last bit that I owed for school.  I’m done being ass-raped from one person, and only have to worry about 2 others, Sallie Mae and Capitol One.  WOOOooooooo… financial circle jerk!

I’m one of the lucky few.  I live with my amazing boyfriend that understands where all of my money has to go, and we’re both fortunate enough to make enough to stay afloat.  I also have a supportive family, that has helped me through the worst of it.  I’m lucky to have a job, even if it doesn’t pay for everything.  I’m lucky to be a strong person, in mind and health.

I’m a fighter, and I will continue to do so at whatever cost.

Yes, I’m still alive, news of my falling off the ends of the world are greatly exaggerated.  I’ve had personal issues, and conflicts with immediate family that have kept my mind preoccupied.  As well as working on commissions, a fur suit, and trying to pick up more hours at work to make ends meet.

I put more of my loans into forbearance last month.  Apparently that was the wrong thing to do because that means I’m not taking my debt seriously.  Honestly, I did it because I wanted Sallie Mae off of my parents rumps, and couldn’t afford to pay any of the amount they had set for me to pay.  I was in between getting hours at the theater, and had just recently quit a job that was a complete waste of my time and gas money.  I know my debt is seriously business, I truly do.  I do the best that I can, but I also have to make sure I can pay my rent, bills, insurance for my car, put gas in my car, eat food, and feed my dog.  I’m just lucky I’m a very hearty person health wise, because I could never afford to go to the doctor if anything were to happen.  My feminine health has taken a serious back seat to everything else.  I haven’t been able to afford birth control for the past year.  No, it’s not because I’m sexually active, which is no one’s business, it’s because without it, I don’t have a period.  I have  ovarian cysts, which I know are rather common in women, but when you don’t have a menstrual cycle without birth control, keeping up on that tends to be important, and I haven’t had it, but I digress.

It’s been rough, I was hoping this year would be less stressful than last, but so far it seems like it’s going to be fighting for the top spot on, most stressful year of my life.  I know life is hard, life isn’t fair, no one gets an easy ride.  But damn-it, I would love for the occassional break in insanity.

I’ve been looking ferociously for another job, if not a full-time job, with nothing to show for it.  This would be the only area that is quite depressing.  I know my friend Fen is, without a doubt this time, going to be getting a general manager position with Halloween City, and said I’m already his Executive Assistant, but that’s not until August, and I try not to count my eggs before they’ve hatched anymore with other people’s job promises.  It’s not that I don’t trust him, far from it.  I just know life happens, and life is unpredictable.

As for now, life is good, money is there for the things that are needed, and hopefully soon, it’ll be there for things that are wanted.  I can only hope things will stay this steady.

Agro laying on his baby

This morning, for the second time, he threw up, then started to have what appeared to be a seizure.  Eric called a vet office that’s open 24/7, and we found out that it would be $69.00 just to get him examined, and an additional $110.00 to run blood tests.  Not to mention what it would cost for any possible treatments if there are any.  Sadly, we don’t have that kind of bread right now, not in the slightest.  It’s so frustrating to know that it’s so expensive to be able to do the right thing for an animal that you love so dearly.

So this is me asking, does anyone know of a vet in the Chicagoland area that is cheaper than this?  We’d love to be able to get our dog in sooner than 2 months from now, and have to chance further damage.

Alright, enough preempting on my entry, now onto life.

All I can say is, holy crap I woke up before 11 today!!!! Woohoo!!!  I’m trying to get myself down to 8:30 before Tuesday, one Tina Moersch and myself will be walking together every Tuesday and Thursday she’s helping me stay active on my off days, and I’m going to walk with her to help her get active after having knee surgery!  My friend Steph Spensley and I will be starting a walking/jogging regimen every Monday/Wednesday/ Friday at around the same time as well.  I’m excited, I need to get active, and the more people I have around to motivate me, the more successful I’ll be!

Today, so far, I’ve had an omelet with 2 whole eggs and butter to cook in (mmm fats and cholesterol!)  inside of my omelet I had red peppers, a 1/4 of a cup of cheddar cheese and a 1/4 of a cup of bacon (that’s right BACON).  This breakfast was topped with a serving of salsa and weighed in at a whopping 3 total net carbs when I added the salsa.  I also had a cup of coffee with 2 tablespoons of half and half, which adds another net carb, so 4 total for breakfast.

About an hour ago I did Wii fit and afterward, I decided to have my snack witch was that amazing caramel chocolate nut bar, which was only 3 net carbs.

Remember, my daily carb restriction is 20, and so far, I’ve only consumed 7.  I popped over to my daily meal planner, and if I were to follow their plan to a “T” and only have water for my drink, or black coffee, or herbal tea with no sugar, my total carb consumption would be 13 net carbs.  I could seriously eat breakfast again, another one of those snack bars and the rest of the items on my meal plan for the day, and meet the total carb consumption for the day.

I won’t do that, of course.  I honestly think I’d explode from too much food for the day, and just in case you’re wondering if I’m missing my carbs, I’m not.  It’s been a little over an hour since I had that snack bar, and I’m not the least bit hungry.  I won’t lie, a few days ago I’d have busted out the pasta and made some chicken to go with it, actually, that’s exactly what I did a few days ago, and my bowl was filled to the brim with both.  I did make sure there were lots of fats in my chicken and pasta that day, because I’d started researching the high fat diets, but it was still at least 40 carbs from the pasta and the juice that I drank with it.  My normal eating habits are generally that I have something attached to my face at almost all times, either a soda or some sort of food.  Now, it’s just water.

For lunch I’m thinking about boiling an egg and topping a spinach/romaine salad with it, and possibly some turkey bacon, all topped with some olive oil and maybe a skoosh of ranch for extra flavor.  By the way, ranch only has like 2 net carbs, so those of you that thought it would be a no-no, think again!!  I’ll also top it off with some awesome feta cheese, because hell, who eats a salad without cheese?!

Then tonight I’ll be making turkey burgers, bun-less for myself of course, and with plenty of veggies on the side.  Can’t wait!!!!!

For those of you that want more information, please let me know!  I’d be happy to share!

A couple of years ago, I started Sparkpeople.com with a couple of friends from work and my roommates, so that we could lose weight and get fit together, this was when I weighed my heaviest, at 260 lbs.  That went well for me, I got back down to about 215 lbs. with the support of my friends and roommates to help motivate me.  Then, for whatever reason, we couldn’t all meet once a week anymore, stopped going.  I stopped going to the gym with my roommate, Brook as often I had before, lost the motivation to do so.  I got busy with school, with work, with life.  I know that’s not an excuse, and I’m not making excuses.  Stress does horrible things to your self-esteem and your time.  When all you can think about is  “holy shit, how am I going to make rent this month and still be able to put gas in my car, or buy groceries?!” you tend to stop thinking about, “oh, I need to go to the gym and work out, or go outside and run 3 miles today.”

I have tried numerous times since that first year to get back on with Sparkpeople.com, and I’d say the longest I’ve stayed there, tracking, exercising regularly, eating “right” has been 2 weeks- a month, before I lapse.  Honestly the biggest woe I have to eating right is the fact that half the time my boyfriend and I can’t afford to get vegetables constantly.  Most of the time we’ll buy something with the intent on eating it within the next 2 days, and then it’ll go bad in the fridge too quickly, or we’ll forget about it and make something quick when he gets home from work.  For the longest time, he didn’t have a full time job, couldn’t find a place that would hire him, or would hire someone else instead, and his only job was Toys’r'us, which was fine during christmas, because they’d give him about 4-5 days a week, and usually one of those days was a double shift, after the holiday season though, they cut his hours almost immediately to 1 day a week, 4 hours a shift.  Let me tell you, $60.00 a paycheck doesn’t buy much, hell, doesn’t even cover rent let alone his car insurance, cell-phone, or even put gas in his car.  So if 10 dollars gets us both food for a week when we buy crap food, as opposed to food for both of us for maybe 2-3 days when we get lean-cut meats, vegetables and fruit,  guess where my money’s going that week?

But I digress, because we’re almost out of the woods on the hardest 3 months I’ve ever endured in my life.  We can afford regular vegetables now, which is good, because I REALLY miss fresh asparagus and broccoli, radishes, turnips, cucumbers and tomatoes.  Holy crap do I miss vegetables.  I know, I was always a weird kid, mom never had problems getting me to eat my veggies, because I usually scarfed those down first.  If it weren’t for the soda and little debbies growing up, I probably would have been a bean pole like my sister, but my sweet tooth has always been insatiable.  What can I say, it’s a Fainter thing, if you don’t have a sweet tooth, you’re not a real Fainter.

I’ve never really been much of a fan of exercise either, I was more of a homebody growing up, and it certainly didn’t help that I really only had one friend.  Though, when I did finally start going outside to play with my friends, it was hard to find me, or get me to come home.  Bike-rides, power-rangers and creating our own superpowers.  That was childhood.  Even though I was a rather active child, I was still overweight.  Couldn’t do push-ups to save my life, sit-ups and crunches were murder until I was in high school, and FORGET about running.  Pretty much the only thing I had over other people was freakish flexibility, I scored just as high, if not higher sometimes on flexibility as the girls that were in gymnastics.

Most people I went to school with could run a mile in about 10 minutes or less, it usually took me about 30 minutes, because I would constantly stop and walk.  Yes, I have asthma, but I also just didn’t want to do it.  I didn’t see the point in running when it made me feel like crap.  Being that out of shape in middle and high school was, well, torture.  It wasn’t until I started playing tennis in high school that I actually felt like physical activity wasn’t a waste of my time.  I believe it was also around then that running wasn’t as difficult because I was used to staying active for hours and hours at a time for matches.

But… I was still overweight, my weight in high school was 230 lbs.  A whole 10 lbs. less than I weigh this very moment.  It wasn’t until college that I started testing and trying to surpass my stamina and it wasn’t until about 2 years ago that I realized that I could run a mile or more without dying.  In fact, on an elliptical, I can run for 30 minutes or more without stopping if I set my mind to it.  5 years ago, I would have pussied out after about 5 minutes, and 10 would have been pushing it.  I can fly up a large flight of stairs with no problem, as I’m used to it in my line of work, but guess what… I’m still over weight, and I’m sick of it.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve decided that this is it, this year I’m going to get into shape and get thin.  In all honesty, I don’t really want to be that thin.  I like my curves, I just don’t like the fat and extra skin.  I don’t like the fact that I wear size 20-22 jeans, and plus sized shirts.  I hate that bras are impossible to find because I have a large rib-cage area, but small boobs.  I hate having a double chin, and can remember a time when I didn’t, so it kills me that I’ve gotten to this point.

Low-fat dieting hasn’t worked for me.  I love me some carbs, but not as much as I love beef, chicken, turkey, bacon and veggies.  So, tomorrow will be my first day on the Atkin’s diet.  I’ve already joined atkins.com, and so far, the people on there have been just as welcoming and warm as sparkpeople.  I know what some of you are thinking.  “Oh my god Charli, they’re going to push you to pay money to join, they’re going to push atkins products on you.”  Well, yeah, I was skeptical too when I was inputting my profile info.  Never once was a I asked to put in a credit card number, or anything.  The only thing they needed my address for, actually, was to send me my free atkins kit for signing up.  And no, it’s not cheap stuff either, 3 snack bars and 3 books, one of which is a recipe book of some of the stuff they have on the site so that I have quick reference for cooking.  Pretty decent deal, actually.  And I won’t lie, at some point, I may buy some of their products to either try or to use.  Depending on the price difference of getting them from Wal-mart as opposed to their site, I may buy them directly from them too, but I don’t feel pressured to do so.

I’m still on sparkpeople, because they have some awesome work-outs, but from now on, I’ll be taking my recipes and tracking my net carbs on atkins.  I know there’s still a lot of controversy behind how well the atkins works, most people are still terrified that all of the fat and cholesterol will cause your blood pressure to spike, and that I’ll have a heart attack.  I know a lot of people also think that this means I’ll never eat bread or ice cream again, both of which are not true.  The only phase of atkins that is that restrictive is Induction, in which I will only be allowed to consume 20 net carbs. a day for 2 weeks, or for however long I feel the need to stay in Induction.  After that , you start adding more net carbs. back into your diet.

Also, those that think that this diet or lifestyle will up blood pressure and chances for heart disease should probably start reading more about it.  You’ll find that saturated fats are probably the best thing for you, and depending on the kind of fats that you’re eating, you’ll find that your cholesterol and blood sugar will either drop, or balance out because your HDL will rise and the bad half of your LDL’s will lower, and your insulin will stop working overtime.  Jimmy Moore (who blogs here) has a youtube program here that he regularly posts, and a podcast that he regularly interviews scientists and athletes on, this man has a cholesterol level of 360.  Sounds high you say?  Well, his bad LDL’s are at 14, his HDL is over 60, and his good LDL’s are quite high, which is amazing.  This man is as healthy as an ox.  I don’t want to wait until I’m in my late 30′s to have a health revelation.  I don’t want to become morbidly obese, which I can easily foresee for myself unless I do this now.

I challenge some of you to do the same.  I know I’m not the only one in this boat, and I know I even have some family members on facebook, and other places online that are also depressed and putting their health at risk on a daily basis because of how the traditional American dieting can effect us.  I challenge my friends, family, and everyone else to get healthy this year with me!

So we picked that up and put it together today, realizing that we’d need to clean out all of the junk that was in the way of the TV and systems to move the wire shelf that the stuff had been on so that we could move the new center in. Of course, our dog, Agro, managed to make sure he was in the way the entire time, whining when he was pinned in behind boxes and rubbermaids in his way. We finally had to put him in his crate to get everything finished because he would either bolt out of the room or lay/stand/sit right in the way of where we needed to move something through.

Agro

Entertainment center in place

All in all, it took us about 4 hours to complete putting clean clothes away, emptying unneeded backpacks, unpacking books, gathering up the newly discovered dirty clothes and then unhooking the wires that ran behind the rack. This rack now holds misc. items, and there is now room to actually navigate through the room. Also, I wasn’t sure if it were possible, but there appears to have been a floor beneath the clutter all this time. What a find! Yay a floor!

There is some clutter to still go through, but it’s much better than it was before. I like productive days, especially when they involved scrumptious Chinese food.

I am dependent on my Wacom tablet. There, I said it. I’m so dependent, that it feels foreign to me to hold a pencil or pen in my hand, and even more so to actually attempt drawing in a sketchbook. My proportions get wonky, and my lines severely suffer, not to mention just a complete lack of inspiration when I actually try to put pencil to paper. I’m not sure why this handicap occurs, because as soon as I open a painting program and start drawing, I’m dandy and have to do minimal erasing, my proportions are nearly spot on in rough sketch phase and only strengthen in other stages. My lines are awesome, mostly because the program I use makes it nearly impossible to have ugly lines because of the way it interprets line weight.

It’s driving me crazy. I went to bowling tonight and seriously sat at one of the tables for a good hour while my boyfriend bowled, trying to think of something to draw, and every time I’d start drawing something, I’d mess up, or the position wasn’t right, or I couldn’t interpret the image from my head accurately onto the paper. It was weird. I remember a time when I couldn’t be seen without my sketchbook and bag of pencils in tote, and I’d go through pages in an hour, and each of those pages would have a decent sketch put on it. Maybe it’s the pressure of making it look just as good as the images I can create with the computer? I know it’ll never be the same, and I’ll always have the issue of sketchy lines, even though I keep trying to force myself to take one Joe Suggs advice after taking a one on one panel with him last year at a convention. He said to practice not making such brushy lines. Of course that totally lasted a whole week or two, but of course you go back to working on commissions straight on the computer, and all of that goes down the drain, because I usually do 2 layers of sketches, one for my placement lines and messy sketching, and another for my cleaner sketching and starting to throw in details.

My want of the Wacom Cintiq doesn’t make this whole… missing my sketchbook issue any easier, because it just further plugs me in. I’m honestly just resolved that I NEED to start drawing in my sketchbook again. I have to!! It’s a basic need of an artist!!! Draw from life, I haven’t done that in ages, mostly because any time I think about drawing things from life, life just seems so uninteresting to draw after drawing animal-people for money, and fantasy and science fiction characters for myself for so long. I realize this is very paralyzing for my skills as an artist, but I’m not sure why it’s so difficult to wrap my brain around. I know the answer is a simple one. Just opt for the pencil and paper whenever I get the hankering for sketching instead of grabbing my laptop. It just honestly never occurs to me to try to find my sketchbook when I want to draw, when I’m almost always already using my computer, and my bag, which has my tablet in it, is just a foot away.

Damn you laziness…..
I shake my tiny fists at you in frustration!